Second to the right, down the road. You'll smell the apple trees before you see them

After you are finished twisting and turning, you are left with a few basic things. What you want and what you can actually get. Those are two separate concepts, but closely related. I'm a firm believer in going after what you want because what else is there to life. But it never comes without a sacrifice and you have to be ready, it comes when you least expect it. I wish life was like a journal. Where you can do back and correct or even tear the pages out. I've been sitting here for some time now, fighting the urge to go back and delete a bunch of my old entires. Seems all I am these days is one giant contradiction. I don't even believe in keeping a journal! It's dangerous to get stuck in the past. You have to keep moving. Closer to something yet incomprehensible, but it's there. Closer to take-off. You have to be able to fly before you can be totally free. I couldn't get myself to delete any entries, today. It won't make them undone. But they are constant reminders that I can't erase anything. I once was given a pair of socks. Such a small gesture. I really liked those socks, soft and comfortable, but I didn't want to wear them out. So I used them mostly around the house. After only a couple of weeks, they were practically worn out. I couldn't understand it really, I had been so careful. They continue to lie in my drawer, along with all the ordinary socks. On the surface, they look brand new. But when you take a closer look, they are filled with holes. I still wear them once in a while, my steps are seemingly lighter then. Because they are so fragile and if I'm not careful, my feet touch the cold floor.

Why does there gotta be a sacrifice

I just want to say Mulholland Drive is the best film ever made, and I get goosebumps all the way through it. I'm not just saying that because Naomi Watts is one of my best friends and Laura Elena Harring is probably one of the most beautiful women to ever grace a silver screen. I actually took the time to see it when it ran at the theatres and I was so pleased when my, for once, high expectations weren't let down. It's exactly how a movie is supposed to be. It doesn't underestimate it's audience and you still walk out with questions and that "god-awful" feeling that is David Lynch at his best. I'm in Thailand right now. Crazy, I know. Just a few days ago we were in Kenya. I'm exhausted, like any normal person would be I suppose. The movie is turning out good, I think. Still got a lot of things to add of course. There are amazing people working around the clock to get the sets right and we have photographers serving coffee and assistants giving orders. The main benefit of traveling like we do at the moment is that the usually studio rules are overlooked. You don't get yelled at for talking to the wrong person. We're just a bunch of people trying to work together. The "rules", and yes I use quotation marks, in this business are ridiculous. Actors with minor parts aren't even allowed to talk to the director and if they happened to get a word out of him/her, their salary is doubled, maybe more. Then it stops being about team work and becomes an immature game of "I'm better than you". So this is a nice change.It's over soon though. By this weekend the final scenes should be done and I can be my own person again. I've been getting up at 6 AM every day for the past 3 months. And the diet and the exercise. I could kill for a steak. So I'm a little glad it's over, I suppose. It's always weird to leave a production. You don't see it again for another year and then you're suddenly being interviewed about something that's become distant for you. It's extremely early, but you can't expect to adjust to every time zone, especially when your stay is for a week. I take power naps throughout the day. I'm restless. I think I just want to feel... settled, and at ease. I feel terrible for dragging Maddox all around the world. This is just a low point, I guess. I'll feel better after a shower. Not to make this completely pointless... someone gave me this today. It was taken a few days ago. I can't believe how much I love him.

Well here's your lucky day

The past weeks have been a little weird and surreal. Alex and me... I have no idea how we even formed a friendship. It was just there suddenly. He actually showed me the first comment I made to him a few days ago and I'm too embarrassed to even link it. But anyhow, we became friends and he trusted me and we had fun. A couple of flirtatious remarks, alright so a lot, and that was that you know. Things were great. There were maybe a couple of times I allowed myself to believe it actually meant something but I came down quickly enough. I wanted him to be happy. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he drops me the sweetest note in the world. I didn't even know what to think. On one side, it's what I've wanted and on the other I'm terrified of losing our friendship. But I can't say no to him. And days passed and things were incredible and cute and I still hadn't seen him face to face after the recent developments. Everything felt not real and there was a sense of hurt in the air and I can't handle leaving issues unspoken. After hours on the phone and here, you'd think the situation was finally comfortable. And it is. I took my spur of the moment weekend getaway and it was probably as close to perfection as you get. It was a wonderful fantasy and I'll always, always remember it. This was supposed to be our time. Get to know each other a little better, get comfortable. Didn't exactly turn out like that, did it? Somehow people make it their business to voice their opinion everywhere. And hell, I'm used to it. People talk shit, that's what people do and that's what make this a shallow, worthless attempt... but I'm still trying. Yes, things from the past can hurt a little, but that's out of my control. My past hurts, I wasn't even aware of it. I've never considered myself insecure. I've never been able not to pack up and leave. To this date, there are maybe 5 people I haven't walked out on. I'm not saying this is a good quality, but it's the truth. This makes me the person not to be trusted, not the other way around actually. People are always asking me how I pick my character, because to some it might seem random...they are characters with their own problems and they want to live in an honest world. I can relate to that. I don't have time for bullshit right now. I trust Alex. Without trust you are so fucked, and I'm not that jaded yet. Screw the past, screw everything, it's possible to start over. And I want him, and I'm pretty positive he wants me too. So there you have it, I don't know if it made you any smarter but that's basically what's been going on. Imagine striking cliffs, gorges and hot springs painted red by the sunset. This really is an incredibly country. And the people, the people here get to me in a different way. I'd give up my career in a second if I had to choose between it and my job as an ambassador. Amazing, brave, honest people. How many on the street of LA tell your their life story when you sit down to talk to them for the first time, their real one, that is. I'm always amazed by their ability to care, even when they're helpless. A mother who has lost her child will take care of an orphan. I often feel helpless too down here. I've tried not to this time, since we're working, not visiting. But you can't close your eyes completely and I've never wanted to. You can find people who understand in the strangest places. You don't even have to speak the same language. I feel like I should mention Dave. He has been an amazing friend to me lately and even though he's probably sick of my whining, he's too polite to say anything. Hi Dave. Ha ha ha, I found this. It's dated exactly one month ago. How ironic. I'm really listening to this song. Usually I don't have a CD on when I'm on the computer so I just type in the last song I listened to. Yes, I lie even. The 'current' is horribly abused by me. But anyway, I haven't really listened to it before and it's beautiful in that cheesy way. We all need a bit of that once in a while.

This ain't real, baby. Got a better excuse for myself

This isn't even funny. I have no idea what to write. The past two days have been up and down and back and forth, but at the end of the day, something remains the same. I'm crazy about this person. Or as he would have put it, and I've never heard that word so often as these past weeks, I'm completely enamored. I'll do the unpleasant part first. I was told to go with my gut feeling. My gut tells me everything is fine. I don't know why I'm not capable of just enjoying the moment. That's what a normal person would have done, right. He couldn't reassure me more. And I believe him, I do. You start over again, and you don't let your past taint you. That's what I do anyway. Then he drops a little bomb and I had to gather all of me to even respond. But you can't change people. And people don't really change. This is the part where I disagree with myself. Feelings can change, but doesn't that mean all of you change with them. This is all talk, I realize. I have someone very real. Someone who calls me girlfriend. We hadn't really drawn any lines and everything was a bit sketchy, so I laugh and go "what?" and he repeats it over and over again. Stuff like that. Regular stuff. Incredibly cute. And everything is really... good. My brain is completely numb. I've been on far too much today, this is insane. It's late and I'm not thinking straight. I promise to do a 'my boyfriend' update. Possibly tomorrow even. Where I rid myself of all doubt and actually embrace what I have entered with such a wonderful man. Now I have to go and say goodnight to him, and that usually takes a while and I want my bed.

You know, he put me at ease made me weak in the knees

This place has certainly made it's mark on me. It's going to be a little sad to leave, but I have no doubts I'll see it soon. A real home, not a fancy Hollywood mansion with so many rooms you forget what's in them. I used to have a vague memory about what that was like. Faded wallpaper, dying flowers. Which I did my best to save by the way. This is a home, but the owner is still missing. Some places you just feel at home in an instant. Hotel are examples of the opposite, who has ever felt at home in a sterile room, a temporary stop along the way for many thousands of people. It took me a while to get used to this house, with it's funny tea cups and piles of magazines. Now I don't want to leave. I miss him. We chose the silliest time, but I really couldn't be happier. We've spent a couple of nights on the phone together, it's not like he's having problems remembering the number. Last night I put on one of his sweatshirts and curled up on the couch. It was much too big for me of course, but it smelled like him. A weak scent of cologne, cigarettes, washing powder and something else. A scent you will only catch if you lean in to whisper in someone's ear. Trademark. What makes it possible to recognize someone in pitch-darkness. And I most definitely tend to lose my mind a little at this stage of a relationship. We're leaving for Kenya. It's not that many scenes left, we should be done within a couple of weeks, if everything goes after schedule. It's been such an amazing experience. I'm constantly taken all over the world and I learn so much... and you have all heard this before, right. I'll shut up. I wouldn't change anything right now. Alright, I'd might want a certain bassist by my side, but that's about it. I'm listening to sad breakup songs for some twisted reason. I really love this one. I have such respect for people who have been in this game for years and years and still continue to produce decent stuff. Enjoy it, kids. You never know when it's going to be over and what might cause it to fall.

She's going to make them stay at home

I had one of those talks with Alex tonight. In which you discuss important matters in such a calm manner and even break or save questions don't feel so dangerous because you are with a person who makes you feel so comfortable. I have a little favor to ask everyone. Don't push. We'll figure it out, but we'll do it our way. We were just saying how friendship is the most important thing in a love affair, no matter how brief and I think we have a very strong friendship. I could talk until we were all deaf on this subject but I don't think anything new would come of it. I won two Fuckery awards, which I find a little funny since I've never posted there. I don't think I've posted in any community before. Guess I just don't have anything interesting enough to say, and when I do it usually goes in my journal because I don't see how everyone would care about it. But I mean, really, thank you for voting for me. It's a compliment... I suppose. Ha ha, I'll take it as a compliment. I feel bad because I forgot to vote for the sexiest man I know though. and he can see no reasoncause there are no reasonswhat reason do you need to be shown- I Don't Like Mondays, that was stuck my head all yesterday. How annoying. It wasn't a good Monday.

This I swear you're the fiercest calm I've been in

You might want to skip this entry. In fact, it's probably in your best interest that you do. I'm writing this for me and me only and this is how it feels. I just want to remember every touch and every sensation. Morocco. It breathes of mystery, sand and old black & white movies, doesn't it? Well, I really couldn't care less. At that moment at least, and I'd already missed the sunset. I bite my lip one last time as I walk out of the tiny airplane. He is waiting by the entrance and it's a little late to ask myself that damned question for the fiftieth time. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. He hasn't seen me yet and his face reads a bit bored, a bit anxious. Then he spotted me. Every spark that has ever filled the air between us reaches some sort of climax and the aftershock is deafening. Even the loud noise from the plane disappears. I can finally embrace the one person who knows me so well after so little time. He kissed me. I kissed him. I can't explain it any better than that. I'm here and he's kissing me and any doubt I've ever had seems like a silly waste of time. I thought if he'd let go of me right now I wouldn't be able to stand on my own, but he didn't. Back at the house, which was really more of a miniature palace, I get to see Dave again. I practically suffocated him with hugs. He has been completely wonderful. I probably wouldn't have sat foot in this country if it wasn't for him. We chatted for a while before Alex came in, took my hand and guided me outside as I waved goodnight to Dave. It was too late for dinner of course, I guess it was around 2 AM, but the ground was still warm and we had the most amazing view to a starlit sky. But the best part were the coconut drinks. In this surreal alternative universe I had just entered, a few basic things reminded me it was real. Funny how the feel of a conversation can change. We still talked about the same things we did before he left but I could read even more from his eyes. After one tropical drink a la Alex and half an hour just taking in Morocco and each other, it became more a game of how long we could continue without physical contact. His kisses are so hot, so demanding. I suppose they match mine. They don't ignore an inch of my body. I'm shivering slightly. The cool breeze from the air condition sweeps over me. It doesn't help much. A fine layer of sweat is forming. I'm asking him, begging him, to give me a release of finest sort. He finds my lips again. All I feel is his fingers tracing my thigh and I moan as quietly as possible. When I opened my eyes to a bright room this morning, it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. I shifted a little and as an answer I feel his arm around my waist, pulling me a little closer. It really is, without a doubt, the best kind of good morning there is. After a while I turned around and he was looking at me with that smile nobody can explain but it makes you feel weak all over. I lifted my head to kiss him gently and from that moment the only thought in my mind is to feel him all over me, again. Today has been... the day dreams are made of, or something equally sappy as that. I know I have to leave in less than 12 hours but I feel so incredibly good right now. I'd write more but I don't want to waste another minute by the computer. I'm not in the mood to listen to whether or not you think we should be together. I trust him. He let me into his world so quickly. It won't be so bad going back, I'm going back to his house after all. I don't think I've ever lived with anyone before I'd kissed them. But then I've rarely needed anyone so badly either.