Too many moons

I want to update but I don't know how without sounding like... I believe the exact word used was giddy. It's been used several times today actually, and not always about me, would you believe it. I think today is up for 'favorite day' material in my book. And when you think about it, it hasn't even started. I felt like doing a slight weekend get-away this morning. And what could be more appealing than safari, red sunsets and funny drinks served in coconuts? Oh right, I forgot. Alex James. I don't have anything else of substance to update about... I hate when people update to say that so of course I just did it myself. Maddox is completely recovered. There was an accident on the set a couple of weeks ago. I've hired a lot of nannies to take care of him while I'm filming, a new every other day because I don't want him to get attached to anyone but me. One of them placed a cup of boiling hot tea by his chair and he spilled it all over himself. It took three days in a hospital to convince the doctors he wouldn't get any scars. But this was a few weeks ago and he's fine now. I'm sorry I lied and said he'd hurt himself playing but the last thing I needed was anyone to panic. I handled the panicking part very well myself. Why did I mention this when I'm so incredibly content with everything, I don't know. Words to fill up the page, I suppose. I just want to get there and they're showing a bad 80's horror flick at the moment. I don't know what else to say, unless you want me to start making things up. So umm... about my lips. How many would be disappointed if they turned out... well, not real. Just checking.

I made my baby say goodbye

Okay. Big moment of silence here. Silence is underrated. Because when you don't have anything sensible to say, don't fear the silence. Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. Having said that, here we go. I'm confused and at the edge of my seat. I'm waiting for a release of some sort. And at the moment I'm clueless about the outcome. I told Dave the other day I feel like everyone is congratulating me but I have no idea what I've won. I didn't plan to fall for him. Alright, so I couldn't help it. I didn't plan for him to do anything about it. It feels like all we've done lately is talk and talk and talk and I don't feel anymore enlightened than I did Monday morning. That's when it all came down and I was a blur of emotions the whole day. Hmm, nice word. How fitting. This is the third time something like this has happened to me. I'm equally amazed each time. I find someone so incredibly beautiful and talented and I fall in lust with them, just like everyone else. And then, from all the people, they picked me. I ended up marrying two of them. With the second one, my soul mate number 1365 or inset another random number here, his divorce wasn't even final. I'm starting to see a pattern. We all know how it ended. And with me, it always ends. I care about him so much. It sounds like such a cliche but I only want to see him happy. He's too sweet of a person to use me as an excuse to get out of something, something he never really talked about, but even if he did, it would be okay. But these are just twisted details. It could be really simple if I wasn't so afraid to lose him. As a friend, as a person I completely trust. Now someone will probably try and reassure me I'm a neurotic freak. And I probably am. After reading this much, haven't you suddenly found a renewed love for silence? I've been making a lot of excuses in this entry, in hope of making it rational and I ended up sounding completely jaded. Of course I want him more than anything. I don't know why I don't allow myself to be all giddy and happy and... but that wouldn't be me, right. I didn't plan any of this, and I have the two longest weeks of my life to look forward to.

As mu...

As much as I enjoy being single right now, I miss the sex. I miss coming into an already warm bed. To feel hands all over my body and the look in someone eyes that is totally focused on me. I miss making someone moan with pleasure until the point they push me away. I'm not very experienced when it comes to sex. This seems to surprise a lot of people. When you pose for sexy pictures, you're automatically someone who sleeps around. I've had four sexual partners in my life. Two of them I was married to, one was a girl. The last one took my virginity so that would make him the first. I was in love with all of them. I'm not sure, is sex different if you're in love? Because in theory it shouldn't. It's just flesh. But when anticipation is enough to make you practically come with one touch, you realize there's something more. I'm comfortable in my body. I wish it was a little stronger so I've been working hard prior to the TR2 filming. I have scars, and the tattoos of course. I'm fascinated with scars. I don't afflict them on myself anymore. I can't take it back. Sometimes the pain grows too unbearable and the release comes in opening up. Maybe it will bleed away. I remember but I can't relate to that at the moment. I'm more my own person, and what's more important, I'm responsible for another person. But I still like to look at others, their wrinkles, scars, trademarks. I love the traces of life in a person. I can't believe how people have them surgically removed. You have lived, you're experienced, you learned. Take that away and you're just another empty page. I'll press post now and go back to my mood. And the one person I like to talk about nothing with.