Second to the right, down the road. You'll smell the apple trees before you see them

After you are finished twisting and turning, you are left with a few basic things. What you want and what you can actually get. Those are two separate concepts, but closely related. I'm a firm believer in going after what you want because what else is there to life. But it never comes without a sacrifice and you have to be ready, it comes when you least expect it. I wish life was like a journal. Where you can do back and correct or even tear the pages out. I've been sitting here for some time now, fighting the urge to go back and delete a bunch of my old entires. Seems all I am these days is one giant contradiction. I don't even believe in keeping a journal! It's dangerous to get stuck in the past. You have to keep moving. Closer to something yet incomprehensible, but it's there. Closer to take-off. You have to be able to fly before you can be totally free. I couldn't get myself to delete any entries, today. It won't make them undone. But they are constant reminders that I can't erase anything. I once was given a pair of socks. Such a small gesture. I really liked those socks, soft and comfortable, but I didn't want to wear them out. So I used them mostly around the house. After only a couple of weeks, they were practically worn out. I couldn't understand it really, I had been so careful. They continue to lie in my drawer, along with all the ordinary socks. On the surface, they look brand new. But when you take a closer look, they are filled with holes. I still wear them once in a while, my steps are seemingly lighter then. Because they are so fragile and if I'm not careful, my feet touch the cold floor.

Why does there gotta be a sacrifice

I just want to say Mulholland Drive is the best film ever made, and I get goosebumps all the way through it. I'm not just saying that because Naomi Watts is one of my best friends and Laura Elena Harring is probably one of the most beautiful women to ever grace a silver screen. I actually took the time to see it when it ran at the theatres and I was so pleased when my, for once, high expectations weren't let down. It's exactly how a movie is supposed to be. It doesn't underestimate it's audience and you still walk out with questions and that "god-awful" feeling that is David Lynch at his best. I'm in Thailand right now. Crazy, I know. Just a few days ago we were in Kenya. I'm exhausted, like any normal person would be I suppose. The movie is turning out good, I think. Still got a lot of things to add of course. There are amazing people working around the clock to get the sets right and we have photographers serving coffee and assistants giving orders. The main benefit of traveling like we do at the moment is that the usually studio rules are overlooked. You don't get yelled at for talking to the wrong person. We're just a bunch of people trying to work together. The "rules", and yes I use quotation marks, in this business are ridiculous. Actors with minor parts aren't even allowed to talk to the director and if they happened to get a word out of him/her, their salary is doubled, maybe more. Then it stops being about team work and becomes an immature game of "I'm better than you". So this is a nice change.It's over soon though. By this weekend the final scenes should be done and I can be my own person again. I've been getting up at 6 AM every day for the past 3 months. And the diet and the exercise. I could kill for a steak. So I'm a little glad it's over, I suppose. It's always weird to leave a production. You don't see it again for another year and then you're suddenly being interviewed about something that's become distant for you. It's extremely early, but you can't expect to adjust to every time zone, especially when your stay is for a week. I take power naps throughout the day. I'm restless. I think I just want to feel... settled, and at ease. I feel terrible for dragging Maddox all around the world. This is just a low point, I guess. I'll feel better after a shower. Not to make this completely pointless... someone gave me this today. It was taken a few days ago. I can't believe how much I love him.

Well here's your lucky day

The past weeks have been a little weird and surreal. Alex and me... I have no idea how we even formed a friendship. It was just there suddenly. He actually showed me the first comment I made to him a few days ago and I'm too embarrassed to even link it. But anyhow, we became friends and he trusted me and we had fun. A couple of flirtatious remarks, alright so a lot, and that was that you know. Things were great. There were maybe a couple of times I allowed myself to believe it actually meant something but I came down quickly enough. I wanted him to be happy. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he drops me the sweetest note in the world. I didn't even know what to think. On one side, it's what I've wanted and on the other I'm terrified of losing our friendship. But I can't say no to him. And days passed and things were incredible and cute and I still hadn't seen him face to face after the recent developments. Everything felt not real and there was a sense of hurt in the air and I can't handle leaving issues unspoken. After hours on the phone and here, you'd think the situation was finally comfortable. And it is. I took my spur of the moment weekend getaway and it was probably as close to perfection as you get. It was a wonderful fantasy and I'll always, always remember it. This was supposed to be our time. Get to know each other a little better, get comfortable. Didn't exactly turn out like that, did it? Somehow people make it their business to voice their opinion everywhere. And hell, I'm used to it. People talk shit, that's what people do and that's what make this a shallow, worthless attempt... but I'm still trying. Yes, things from the past can hurt a little, but that's out of my control. My past hurts, I wasn't even aware of it. I've never considered myself insecure. I've never been able not to pack up and leave. To this date, there are maybe 5 people I haven't walked out on. I'm not saying this is a good quality, but it's the truth. This makes me the person not to be trusted, not the other way around actually. People are always asking me how I pick my character, because to some it might seem random...they are characters with their own problems and they want to live in an honest world. I can relate to that. I don't have time for bullshit right now. I trust Alex. Without trust you are so fucked, and I'm not that jaded yet. Screw the past, screw everything, it's possible to start over. And I want him, and I'm pretty positive he wants me too. So there you have it, I don't know if it made you any smarter but that's basically what's been going on. Imagine striking cliffs, gorges and hot springs painted red by the sunset. This really is an incredibly country. And the people, the people here get to me in a different way. I'd give up my career in a second if I had to choose between it and my job as an ambassador. Amazing, brave, honest people. How many on the street of LA tell your their life story when you sit down to talk to them for the first time, their real one, that is. I'm always amazed by their ability to care, even when they're helpless. A mother who has lost her child will take care of an orphan. I often feel helpless too down here. I've tried not to this time, since we're working, not visiting. But you can't close your eyes completely and I've never wanted to. You can find people who understand in the strangest places. You don't even have to speak the same language. I feel like I should mention Dave. He has been an amazing friend to me lately and even though he's probably sick of my whining, he's too polite to say anything. Hi Dave. Ha ha ha, I found this. It's dated exactly one month ago. How ironic. I'm really listening to this song. Usually I don't have a CD on when I'm on the computer so I just type in the last song I listened to. Yes, I lie even. The 'current' is horribly abused by me. But anyway, I haven't really listened to it before and it's beautiful in that cheesy way. We all need a bit of that once in a while.

This ain't real, baby. Got a better excuse for myself

This isn't even funny. I have no idea what to write. The past two days have been up and down and back and forth, but at the end of the day, something remains the same. I'm crazy about this person. Or as he would have put it, and I've never heard that word so often as these past weeks, I'm completely enamored. I'll do the unpleasant part first. I was told to go with my gut feeling. My gut tells me everything is fine. I don't know why I'm not capable of just enjoying the moment. That's what a normal person would have done, right. He couldn't reassure me more. And I believe him, I do. You start over again, and you don't let your past taint you. That's what I do anyway. Then he drops a little bomb and I had to gather all of me to even respond. But you can't change people. And people don't really change. This is the part where I disagree with myself. Feelings can change, but doesn't that mean all of you change with them. This is all talk, I realize. I have someone very real. Someone who calls me girlfriend. We hadn't really drawn any lines and everything was a bit sketchy, so I laugh and go "what?" and he repeats it over and over again. Stuff like that. Regular stuff. Incredibly cute. And everything is really... good. My brain is completely numb. I've been on far too much today, this is insane. It's late and I'm not thinking straight. I promise to do a 'my boyfriend' update. Possibly tomorrow even. Where I rid myself of all doubt and actually embrace what I have entered with such a wonderful man. Now I have to go and say goodnight to him, and that usually takes a while and I want my bed.

You know, he put me at ease made me weak in the knees

This place has certainly made it's mark on me. It's going to be a little sad to leave, but I have no doubts I'll see it soon. A real home, not a fancy Hollywood mansion with so many rooms you forget what's in them. I used to have a vague memory about what that was like. Faded wallpaper, dying flowers. Which I did my best to save by the way. This is a home, but the owner is still missing. Some places you just feel at home in an instant. Hotel are examples of the opposite, who has ever felt at home in a sterile room, a temporary stop along the way for many thousands of people. It took me a while to get used to this house, with it's funny tea cups and piles of magazines. Now I don't want to leave. I miss him. We chose the silliest time, but I really couldn't be happier. We've spent a couple of nights on the phone together, it's not like he's having problems remembering the number. Last night I put on one of his sweatshirts and curled up on the couch. It was much too big for me of course, but it smelled like him. A weak scent of cologne, cigarettes, washing powder and something else. A scent you will only catch if you lean in to whisper in someone's ear. Trademark. What makes it possible to recognize someone in pitch-darkness. And I most definitely tend to lose my mind a little at this stage of a relationship. We're leaving for Kenya. It's not that many scenes left, we should be done within a couple of weeks, if everything goes after schedule. It's been such an amazing experience. I'm constantly taken all over the world and I learn so much... and you have all heard this before, right. I'll shut up. I wouldn't change anything right now. Alright, I'd might want a certain bassist by my side, but that's about it. I'm listening to sad breakup songs for some twisted reason. I really love this one. I have such respect for people who have been in this game for years and years and still continue to produce decent stuff. Enjoy it, kids. You never know when it's going to be over and what might cause it to fall.

She's going to make them stay at home

I had one of those talks with Alex tonight. In which you discuss important matters in such a calm manner and even break or save questions don't feel so dangerous because you are with a person who makes you feel so comfortable. I have a little favor to ask everyone. Don't push. We'll figure it out, but we'll do it our way. We were just saying how friendship is the most important thing in a love affair, no matter how brief and I think we have a very strong friendship. I could talk until we were all deaf on this subject but I don't think anything new would come of it. I won two Fuckery awards, which I find a little funny since I've never posted there. I don't think I've posted in any community before. Guess I just don't have anything interesting enough to say, and when I do it usually goes in my journal because I don't see how everyone would care about it. But I mean, really, thank you for voting for me. It's a compliment... I suppose. Ha ha, I'll take it as a compliment. I feel bad because I forgot to vote for the sexiest man I know though. and he can see no reasoncause there are no reasonswhat reason do you need to be shown- I Don't Like Mondays, that was stuck my head all yesterday. How annoying. It wasn't a good Monday.

This I swear you're the fiercest calm I've been in

You might want to skip this entry. In fact, it's probably in your best interest that you do. I'm writing this for me and me only and this is how it feels. I just want to remember every touch and every sensation. Morocco. It breathes of mystery, sand and old black & white movies, doesn't it? Well, I really couldn't care less. At that moment at least, and I'd already missed the sunset. I bite my lip one last time as I walk out of the tiny airplane. He is waiting by the entrance and it's a little late to ask myself that damned question for the fiftieth time. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. He hasn't seen me yet and his face reads a bit bored, a bit anxious. Then he spotted me. Every spark that has ever filled the air between us reaches some sort of climax and the aftershock is deafening. Even the loud noise from the plane disappears. I can finally embrace the one person who knows me so well after so little time. He kissed me. I kissed him. I can't explain it any better than that. I'm here and he's kissing me and any doubt I've ever had seems like a silly waste of time. I thought if he'd let go of me right now I wouldn't be able to stand on my own, but he didn't. Back at the house, which was really more of a miniature palace, I get to see Dave again. I practically suffocated him with hugs. He has been completely wonderful. I probably wouldn't have sat foot in this country if it wasn't for him. We chatted for a while before Alex came in, took my hand and guided me outside as I waved goodnight to Dave. It was too late for dinner of course, I guess it was around 2 AM, but the ground was still warm and we had the most amazing view to a starlit sky. But the best part were the coconut drinks. In this surreal alternative universe I had just entered, a few basic things reminded me it was real. Funny how the feel of a conversation can change. We still talked about the same things we did before he left but I could read even more from his eyes. After one tropical drink a la Alex and half an hour just taking in Morocco and each other, it became more a game of how long we could continue without physical contact. His kisses are so hot, so demanding. I suppose they match mine. They don't ignore an inch of my body. I'm shivering slightly. The cool breeze from the air condition sweeps over me. It doesn't help much. A fine layer of sweat is forming. I'm asking him, begging him, to give me a release of finest sort. He finds my lips again. All I feel is his fingers tracing my thigh and I moan as quietly as possible. When I opened my eyes to a bright room this morning, it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. I shifted a little and as an answer I feel his arm around my waist, pulling me a little closer. It really is, without a doubt, the best kind of good morning there is. After a while I turned around and he was looking at me with that smile nobody can explain but it makes you feel weak all over. I lifted my head to kiss him gently and from that moment the only thought in my mind is to feel him all over me, again. Today has been... the day dreams are made of, or something equally sappy as that. I know I have to leave in less than 12 hours but I feel so incredibly good right now. I'd write more but I don't want to waste another minute by the computer. I'm not in the mood to listen to whether or not you think we should be together. I trust him. He let me into his world so quickly. It won't be so bad going back, I'm going back to his house after all. I don't think I've ever lived with anyone before I'd kissed them. But then I've rarely needed anyone so badly either.

Too many moons

I want to update but I don't know how without sounding like... I believe the exact word used was giddy. It's been used several times today actually, and not always about me, would you believe it. I think today is up for 'favorite day' material in my book. And when you think about it, it hasn't even started. I felt like doing a slight weekend get-away this morning. And what could be more appealing than safari, red sunsets and funny drinks served in coconuts? Oh right, I forgot. Alex James. I don't have anything else of substance to update about... I hate when people update to say that so of course I just did it myself. Maddox is completely recovered. There was an accident on the set a couple of weeks ago. I've hired a lot of nannies to take care of him while I'm filming, a new every other day because I don't want him to get attached to anyone but me. One of them placed a cup of boiling hot tea by his chair and he spilled it all over himself. It took three days in a hospital to convince the doctors he wouldn't get any scars. But this was a few weeks ago and he's fine now. I'm sorry I lied and said he'd hurt himself playing but the last thing I needed was anyone to panic. I handled the panicking part very well myself. Why did I mention this when I'm so incredibly content with everything, I don't know. Words to fill up the page, I suppose. I just want to get there and they're showing a bad 80's horror flick at the moment. I don't know what else to say, unless you want me to start making things up. So umm... about my lips. How many would be disappointed if they turned out... well, not real. Just checking.

I made my baby say goodbye

Okay. Big moment of silence here. Silence is underrated. Because when you don't have anything sensible to say, don't fear the silence. Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all. Having said that, here we go. I'm confused and at the edge of my seat. I'm waiting for a release of some sort. And at the moment I'm clueless about the outcome. I told Dave the other day I feel like everyone is congratulating me but I have no idea what I've won. I didn't plan to fall for him. Alright, so I couldn't help it. I didn't plan for him to do anything about it. It feels like all we've done lately is talk and talk and talk and I don't feel anymore enlightened than I did Monday morning. That's when it all came down and I was a blur of emotions the whole day. Hmm, nice word. How fitting. This is the third time something like this has happened to me. I'm equally amazed each time. I find someone so incredibly beautiful and talented and I fall in lust with them, just like everyone else. And then, from all the people, they picked me. I ended up marrying two of them. With the second one, my soul mate number 1365 or inset another random number here, his divorce wasn't even final. I'm starting to see a pattern. We all know how it ended. And with me, it always ends. I care about him so much. It sounds like such a cliche but I only want to see him happy. He's too sweet of a person to use me as an excuse to get out of something, something he never really talked about, but even if he did, it would be okay. But these are just twisted details. It could be really simple if I wasn't so afraid to lose him. As a friend, as a person I completely trust. Now someone will probably try and reassure me I'm a neurotic freak. And I probably am. After reading this much, haven't you suddenly found a renewed love for silence? I've been making a lot of excuses in this entry, in hope of making it rational and I ended up sounding completely jaded. Of course I want him more than anything. I don't know why I don't allow myself to be all giddy and happy and... but that wouldn't be me, right. I didn't plan any of this, and I have the two longest weeks of my life to look forward to.

As mu...

As much as I enjoy being single right now, I miss the sex. I miss coming into an already warm bed. To feel hands all over my body and the look in someone eyes that is totally focused on me. I miss making someone moan with pleasure until the point they push me away. I'm not very experienced when it comes to sex. This seems to surprise a lot of people. When you pose for sexy pictures, you're automatically someone who sleeps around. I've had four sexual partners in my life. Two of them I was married to, one was a girl. The last one took my virginity so that would make him the first. I was in love with all of them. I'm not sure, is sex different if you're in love? Because in theory it shouldn't. It's just flesh. But when anticipation is enough to make you practically come with one touch, you realize there's something more. I'm comfortable in my body. I wish it was a little stronger so I've been working hard prior to the TR2 filming. I have scars, and the tattoos of course. I'm fascinated with scars. I don't afflict them on myself anymore. I can't take it back. Sometimes the pain grows too unbearable and the release comes in opening up. Maybe it will bleed away. I remember but I can't relate to that at the moment. I'm more my own person, and what's more important, I'm responsible for another person. But I still like to look at others, their wrinkles, scars, trademarks. I love the traces of life in a person. I can't believe how people have them surgically removed. You have lived, you're experienced, you learned. Take that away and you're just another empty page. I'll press post now and go back to my mood. And the one person I like to talk about nothing with.

Amazing grace in here I'd pay to have you near

I'm marrying Alex*. You can all stop hitting on me now. I am so in love with him at this very moment you wouldn't even begin to understand. And I mean that in the most friendly way. Being around him makes up for all the crap. What is wrong with some people? Do you get off on arguing or something? Every seemingly little topic is blown into world war 3 and I'm losing count. With this marriage discussion going on, are we hitting ww 72 or 94? But you know what, I don't really care. Today I'm just all together in a sickening good mood. I finally feel comfortable in my relationships with the people I care about. There's nothing unspoken. We can say hi and joke around for a while, or we can sit down to have a serious talk. Either way, it's wonderful. Like you can probably tell, I'm not good with words and if I could I'd make this paragraph into something poetic. Speaking of, Julian told me the other day my icons were ugly and that I needed new ones. So he made me some. I love them a little more than I love him because he is insane. I think when I uploaded my sixth black & white icon, I realized something was terribly wrong with the world. So thank you, babe. Honestly, if I were to continue the update in this state, you'd all have me commited. So I won't. You'll never guess what I'm doing this weekend ;) *p.s. I'm not really.

And I swear that I don't have a gun

Where does love ends and love begin. What makes you take that final decision to be lovers instead of friends. Is it only physical attraction. Because physical attraction ends. But somewhere along the line, that doesn't matter. It's not like I always have to love different people, when the blind infatuation is over, I love the person deeply and their appearance is only their cover. In most cases the person underneath is more beautiful anyway. So what is it then, that very final step. Crossing an already thin line. I hate rhetorical questions. I always ask a lot of questions. Most of them are never answered and even if they are it's just a matter of opinion. I think it's really rather strange that I have so many friends around here because I honestly don't get along with a lot of people. I always try not to be rude because I hate rude people, but if I come off snappy please don't push it. Sometimes I find friends in random encounters, I guess those moments are nice. I don't know why I'm still writing, this doesn't make any sense. I haven't been around for a few days. Maddox got back from the hospital on Monday. It was nothing serious, he just hurt himself playing. I love him so much. I can't stand to watch him cry. They kept him there for three days, I couldn't leave his side and Simon gave me time off from the set and settled everything with the studio. He's a weird little man, but wonderful at the core. My baby is fine now. A little plaster on his forehead is the only thing left of this experience. I can never get over how tiny his fingers are. He has to use his entire fist to hold one of mine. Since I met him and we bounded, we've been doing that. I give him my hand and he grabs hold of the index finger. Most of the time it's the index one. I suppose that's our foundation right now. Yes, I have a male stunt double. Knock yourselves out with this one, kids, but at least make it entertaining. Everyone's last words should probably be 'I was on drugs'. That automatically removes all blame and seems like a safer bet than conversion at deathbed. Pretend this entry is only saying "I am so sick of some people" so I'm gonna go now.

You think I'm kidding, but I'm not

So I wake up only to find that Alex James didn't win any awards. What is wrong with all of you? Haven't you realized by now that he is really, really great and writes neat updates and I've only mentioned his spelling skills so far. But all of this is besides the point, the icon alone was enough to vote for him. I didn't win either, but that's okay because Natalie Portman is more educated than me and pretty too. I don't have anything else to say, really.

Into the rabbit hole

Just a quick note to say I won't be at the MBP awards tonight. Some of us across the Atlantic have jobs in the morning. When you work with film, one of the first things you learn is that the human mind is always searching for understanding, to put things in relation. You have to carefully fit the scenes together in an order so the audience can by themselves can see the big picture out of the little pieces. This formula leaves an ocean of possibilities and many directors are known to play with them, but there are certain rules you have to follow. If you do it in a creative way, the audience can find their own meaning in your art. One of my favorite books is Alice in Wonderland. One of everybody's favorite books is Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember when the thought first occurred to me, but when it did it was like a revelation. No one is really special. No one is unique. My thoughts are not original and feelings are one of the most universal things there is. I read a review once, about Alice in Wonderland. It said something like 'it's about a young girl's journey into womanhood' and I was like, 'shut up! That is not what it is about at all'. I guess what I liked about the book was that it didn't have a message, that it didn't try to be something it wasn't. To me, it was a wonderful blur of madness and sanity and the something in between. The place where things don't have to make sense to make sense. We don't appreciate that as much as we should because it's everywhere. But that book in particular makes me want to sit down and write and know that it doesn't have to make sense. And the popularity of this book makes me realize that I am not alone in this feeling. That what I think is unique, that I'm the only one to have this thought, is completely bullshit. But doesn't that mean that creativity is copying. How many love songs are written, has anything really changed. Couldn't we just take the first one and go with that. Because sometimes you find a person that is a little different. Who deserves that new love song. I'm not going to say that when the two right people come together something unique is created, or something along those lines, because I'm a cynic. I really believe what I've written so far. Love might be special, but it's not exactly rare. More people have love than diamonds for instance. It's possible the author of Alice in Wonderland had a very strong message. But in the way the book was put together, it chapters, did as I missed that. So I created my own opinion, and I grew on it. I found a little piece of me to add to the puzzle. I guess what I'm saying is, love might be unoriginal but when I find someone who seems a little out of the ordinary, I don't mind another love song.

I caught you knocking at my cellar door I love you baby can I have some more

Why am I updating so much lately. It's not like when I was in Africa, Cambodia and Pakistan where I was forced to write a journal. Ok, I wasn't really but it was good for me, good for everyone. If my status as a Hollywood actress could get one person, one single person, to donate money because of my journal, it was worth it. It was a difficult thing for me to do. At the time I wasn't sure if I wanted to publish them on the internet because I tried not to censor myself and I mentioned things about home more than I should. I'm not a professional journalist, it was the travel journals of Angelina Jolie and then Angelina Jolie is what you get. Can I just say it's hard not to censor yourself when you know millions of people can read what you write, but I'm very glad I did release them, because in the big picture it's not about me, but incredibly brave people who depend on us right now. Last week I donated $100,000 to a United Nations program providing food for Western Sahara refugees. My aim is to encourage other people to make themselves aware of this crisis facing the Western Saharan refugees and do what they can to help. I know this is not happening in our neighborhood, but they are still our people. After the recent tragedies in the US we have proved ourselves able and willing to care. There can be enough love in the world if we tried. I'm not doing this to sell movies or be called a saint. I do it because I strongly believe in it with all of my heart. There can be changes. There must be changes. Still enjoying myself in London with Naomi. It's her home so she's been dragging me around a lot to her old places and stores. Not that I mind of course. Shooting is going well. I'm going to have a couple of days off while they are figuring out how to shoot around something and then later add as special effects. Have I mentioned I don't really like special effects? But I guess it's unavoidable in a movie like this. I'm going out to dinner with Jonny sometime this week too. He's my ex-husband, in case you didn't know. He's so British he makes me ill sometimes, but then again, I seem to like that. The Brits that is. My lawyer is in court. Again. I really pity that man, he can't have much of a life seeing as how I seem to take up 90% of his time. At least he makes good money. This time it's about removing 'Voight' from my legal name. I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner. We were friends for a brief time during and after the shooting of the first Tomb Raider movie, but you can't really escape the past and the fact is he walked out on us. He partied while my mum worked to feed us. Sure, he'd send the occasional check, but it all comes down to this. He has not been as much part of my life so that I owe him to keep his family's name. Why do I feel like a news reader. None of you care about my name. Only who I'm sleeping with. Which is none because I'm a loser but that's all right. You still pretend to care. That means a lot to me. One day I'm going to take Brie and Dave out for ice cream. They are the cutest people I know. They just went crazy in my journal, how loveable is that. P.S. we hereby apply for membership in must_be_dave. My paid account ran out yesterday and I forgot to change into my all-time favorite icons. This might be a little bit of a problem seeing as how I'm a compulsive icon-changer, but I actually like the ones I have up right now. Come to think of it, all you really need is a 'this is dave' icon. I'm going to sleep in Alex's bed now.

Faded pictures in my scrapbook I thought I'd take just one last look at

Angie, Angie, when will those clouds all disappear? My mother loves this song. Sometimes I think she named me after it only so she could sing it to me. One of my first memories is about this song. After my father left it was just the three of us for a very long time. It was only after I grew older I realized the song was about a breakup, but by then it was so stuck, so mine, that I didn't care. My mother cried sometimes. Jamie would put on this record and we'd all sing along. She always smiled through tears then. I was around 6. My brother, who is two years older than me, had just entered his rockstar phase. He'd play guitar, badly may I add, and my mother would sing. I twirled around and around and right there, for the first and last time, I was the star of the universe.Angie, you're beautiful, but ain't it time we said good-byeAngie, I still love you, remember all those nights we cried The day I left Billy I had nowhere to go. An empty hotel room and my son on my arm. I knocked on Jamie's door and he seized right through my painted on smile. I fell against him and I cried until I thought I would burst. It felt like someone had ripped a body part from me. I don't think it could have hurt more if someone had. It wasn't until he reached the last line I calmed down. Someone who has grown very dear to me lately asked me a while ago how I was dealing. I didn't answer because truthfully, I didn't know. I guess this is it. Going back to what I know. Unconditional love. They say know your past to know your future. I know my past, I'm clueless about the future. Maybe London rain really is healing. Maybe it's the house with the blue door. Ever since I saw Nothing Hill, I've wanted to live in a house with a blue door. I don't like to visit the past, but sometimes it's necessary. To be reminded of who I am. Angie, Angie, they can't say we never tried

I...

I'm listening to Tender. That is all.

I...

I'm listening to Tender. That is all.

Take a look in the mirror can you really blame me

You would think being across the planet would put things in perspective, but it really doesn't. One conversation and I'm back where I started. It's a real bitch when you can't get over someone, even when it goes against all logic. Sob, the Blur kids are leaving me. Like I know anyone else in London. At least Naomi is here with me. You can't kick us out of your house, baby, stop trying. I promise we'll be good to it. I should write about how I constantly keep breaking my nails so I have to have daily manicure. Simon is beyond himself with excitement. I think he would be Lara if he could. He's running around the set and when I have to jump, he jumps. It's really too cute. In case you didn't know, we're going to shoot the China scenes in Wales because someone in China wouldn't let us enter. Apparently Paramount thinks Wales looks a lot like the area around the great wall of China. Go figure.

Alex gets everything but the icon

So I'm in England. It's pretty fucking late but I'm jumping around the house and shit. Probably annoying the hell out of my favorite guy in the world, after Maddox. I love Alex' place. He wasn't kidding about having a blue front door. I guess this means I have to trust him from now on. Today has been incredible. Spending a great deal of the night on a plane can get everyone a little cranky. That was me, don't get me started on the kid. Then Alex showed up with fresh daisies and swirled me around like lovers do. But we not break the rules around here. After more wonderful time spent napping we decided to stay in because Alex is a funny drunk and he makes me laugh when he tries to be philosophical. Then he tries to beat me up but fails even more miserably. He is never going to learn. This is Angelina Jolie, reporting live from Alex James: Behind the Scenes. I take it back. Alex is definitely my most overused word. This is the kind of entires you get when mind is set on London time while body still thinks it's 8 pm. Alex probably thought this update was about how much I want his penis. Sadly, it's not. He is so lame.