This ain't real, baby. Got a better excuse for myself

This isn't even funny. I have no idea what to write. The past two days have been up and down and back and forth, but at the end of the day, something remains the same. I'm crazy about this person. Or as he would have put it, and I've never heard that word so often as these past weeks, I'm completely enamored. I'll do the unpleasant part first. I was told to go with my gut feeling. My gut tells me everything is fine. I don't know why I'm not capable of just enjoying the moment. That's what a normal person would have done, right. He couldn't reassure me more. And I believe him, I do. You start over again, and you don't let your past taint you. That's what I do anyway. Then he drops a little bomb and I had to gather all of me to even respond. But you can't change people. And people don't really change. This is the part where I disagree with myself. Feelings can change, but doesn't that mean all of you change with them. This is all talk, I realize. I have someone very real. Someone who calls me girlfriend. We hadn't really drawn any lines and everything was a bit sketchy, so I laugh and go "what?" and he repeats it over and over again. Stuff like that. Regular stuff. Incredibly cute. And everything is really... good. My brain is completely numb. I've been on far too much today, this is insane. It's late and I'm not thinking straight. I promise to do a 'my boyfriend' update. Possibly tomorrow even. Where I rid myself of all doubt and actually embrace what I have entered with such a wonderful man. Now I have to go and say goodnight to him, and that usually takes a while and I want my bed.

You know, he put me at ease made me weak in the knees

This place has certainly made it's mark on me. It's going to be a little sad to leave, but I have no doubts I'll see it soon. A real home, not a fancy Hollywood mansion with so many rooms you forget what's in them. I used to have a vague memory about what that was like. Faded wallpaper, dying flowers. Which I did my best to save by the way. This is a home, but the owner is still missing. Some places you just feel at home in an instant. Hotel are examples of the opposite, who has ever felt at home in a sterile room, a temporary stop along the way for many thousands of people. It took me a while to get used to this house, with it's funny tea cups and piles of magazines. Now I don't want to leave. I miss him. We chose the silliest time, but I really couldn't be happier. We've spent a couple of nights on the phone together, it's not like he's having problems remembering the number. Last night I put on one of his sweatshirts and curled up on the couch. It was much too big for me of course, but it smelled like him. A weak scent of cologne, cigarettes, washing powder and something else. A scent you will only catch if you lean in to whisper in someone's ear. Trademark. What makes it possible to recognize someone in pitch-darkness. And I most definitely tend to lose my mind a little at this stage of a relationship. We're leaving for Kenya. It's not that many scenes left, we should be done within a couple of weeks, if everything goes after schedule. It's been such an amazing experience. I'm constantly taken all over the world and I learn so much... and you have all heard this before, right. I'll shut up. I wouldn't change anything right now. Alright, I'd might want a certain bassist by my side, but that's about it. I'm listening to sad breakup songs for some twisted reason. I really love this one. I have such respect for people who have been in this game for years and years and still continue to produce decent stuff. Enjoy it, kids. You never know when it's going to be over and what might cause it to fall.

She's going to make them stay at home

I had one of those talks with Alex tonight. In which you discuss important matters in such a calm manner and even break or save questions don't feel so dangerous because you are with a person who makes you feel so comfortable. I have a little favor to ask everyone. Don't push. We'll figure it out, but we'll do it our way. We were just saying how friendship is the most important thing in a love affair, no matter how brief and I think we have a very strong friendship. I could talk until we were all deaf on this subject but I don't think anything new would come of it. I won two Fuckery awards, which I find a little funny since I've never posted there. I don't think I've posted in any community before. Guess I just don't have anything interesting enough to say, and when I do it usually goes in my journal because I don't see how everyone would care about it. But I mean, really, thank you for voting for me. It's a compliment... I suppose. Ha ha, I'll take it as a compliment. I feel bad because I forgot to vote for the sexiest man I know though. and he can see no reasoncause there are no reasonswhat reason do you need to be shown- I Don't Like Mondays, that was stuck my head all yesterday. How annoying. It wasn't a good Monday.

This I swear you're the fiercest calm I've been in

You might want to skip this entry. In fact, it's probably in your best interest that you do. I'm writing this for me and me only and this is how it feels. I just want to remember every touch and every sensation. Morocco. It breathes of mystery, sand and old black & white movies, doesn't it? Well, I really couldn't care less. At that moment at least, and I'd already missed the sunset. I bite my lip one last time as I walk out of the tiny airplane. He is waiting by the entrance and it's a little late to ask myself that damned question for the fiftieth time. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. He hasn't seen me yet and his face reads a bit bored, a bit anxious. Then he spotted me. Every spark that has ever filled the air between us reaches some sort of climax and the aftershock is deafening. Even the loud noise from the plane disappears. I can finally embrace the one person who knows me so well after so little time. He kissed me. I kissed him. I can't explain it any better than that. I'm here and he's kissing me and any doubt I've ever had seems like a silly waste of time. I thought if he'd let go of me right now I wouldn't be able to stand on my own, but he didn't. Back at the house, which was really more of a miniature palace, I get to see Dave again. I practically suffocated him with hugs. He has been completely wonderful. I probably wouldn't have sat foot in this country if it wasn't for him. We chatted for a while before Alex came in, took my hand and guided me outside as I waved goodnight to Dave. It was too late for dinner of course, I guess it was around 2 AM, but the ground was still warm and we had the most amazing view to a starlit sky. But the best part were the coconut drinks. In this surreal alternative universe I had just entered, a few basic things reminded me it was real. Funny how the feel of a conversation can change. We still talked about the same things we did before he left but I could read even more from his eyes. After one tropical drink a la Alex and half an hour just taking in Morocco and each other, it became more a game of how long we could continue without physical contact. His kisses are so hot, so demanding. I suppose they match mine. They don't ignore an inch of my body. I'm shivering slightly. The cool breeze from the air condition sweeps over me. It doesn't help much. A fine layer of sweat is forming. I'm asking him, begging him, to give me a release of finest sort. He finds my lips again. All I feel is his fingers tracing my thigh and I moan as quietly as possible. When I opened my eyes to a bright room this morning, it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. I shifted a little and as an answer I feel his arm around my waist, pulling me a little closer. It really is, without a doubt, the best kind of good morning there is. After a while I turned around and he was looking at me with that smile nobody can explain but it makes you feel weak all over. I lifted my head to kiss him gently and from that moment the only thought in my mind is to feel him all over me, again. Today has been... the day dreams are made of, or something equally sappy as that. I know I have to leave in less than 12 hours but I feel so incredibly good right now. I'd write more but I don't want to waste another minute by the computer. I'm not in the mood to listen to whether or not you think we should be together. I trust him. He let me into his world so quickly. It won't be so bad going back, I'm going back to his house after all. I don't think I've ever lived with anyone before I'd kissed them. But then I've rarely needed anyone so badly either.