Second to the right, down the road. You'll smell the apple trees before you see them

After you are finished twisting and turning, you are left with a few basic things. What you want and what you can actually get. Those are two separate concepts, but closely related. I'm a firm believer in going after what you want because what else is there to life. But it never comes without a sacrifice and you have to be ready, it comes when you least expect it. I wish life was like a journal. Where you can do back and correct or even tear the pages out. I've been sitting here for some time now, fighting the urge to go back and delete a bunch of my old entires. Seems all I am these days is one giant contradiction. I don't even believe in keeping a journal! It's dangerous to get stuck in the past. You have to keep moving. Closer to something yet incomprehensible, but it's there. Closer to take-off. You have to be able to fly before you can be totally free. I couldn't get myself to delete any entries, today. It won't make them undone. But they are constant reminders that I can't erase anything. I once was given a pair of socks. Such a small gesture. I really liked those socks, soft and comfortable, but I didn't want to wear them out. So I used them mostly around the house. After only a couple of weeks, they were practically worn out. I couldn't understand it really, I had been so careful. They continue to lie in my drawer, along with all the ordinary socks. On the surface, they look brand new. But when you take a closer look, they are filled with holes. I still wear them once in a while, my steps are seemingly lighter then. Because they are so fragile and if I'm not careful, my feet touch the cold floor.

Why does there gotta be a sacrifice

I just want to say Mulholland Drive is the best film ever made, and I get goosebumps all the way through it. I'm not just saying that because Naomi Watts is one of my best friends and Laura Elena Harring is probably one of the most beautiful women to ever grace a silver screen. I actually took the time to see it when it ran at the theatres and I was so pleased when my, for once, high expectations weren't let down. It's exactly how a movie is supposed to be. It doesn't underestimate it's audience and you still walk out with questions and that "god-awful" feeling that is David Lynch at his best. I'm in Thailand right now. Crazy, I know. Just a few days ago we were in Kenya. I'm exhausted, like any normal person would be I suppose. The movie is turning out good, I think. Still got a lot of things to add of course. There are amazing people working around the clock to get the sets right and we have photographers serving coffee and assistants giving orders. The main benefit of traveling like we do at the moment is that the usually studio rules are overlooked. You don't get yelled at for talking to the wrong person. We're just a bunch of people trying to work together. The "rules", and yes I use quotation marks, in this business are ridiculous. Actors with minor parts aren't even allowed to talk to the director and if they happened to get a word out of him/her, their salary is doubled, maybe more. Then it stops being about team work and becomes an immature game of "I'm better than you". So this is a nice change.It's over soon though. By this weekend the final scenes should be done and I can be my own person again. I've been getting up at 6 AM every day for the past 3 months. And the diet and the exercise. I could kill for a steak. So I'm a little glad it's over, I suppose. It's always weird to leave a production. You don't see it again for another year and then you're suddenly being interviewed about something that's become distant for you. It's extremely early, but you can't expect to adjust to every time zone, especially when your stay is for a week. I take power naps throughout the day. I'm restless. I think I just want to feel... settled, and at ease. I feel terrible for dragging Maddox all around the world. This is just a low point, I guess. I'll feel better after a shower. Not to make this completely pointless... someone gave me this today. It was taken a few days ago. I can't believe how much I love him.

Well here's your lucky day

The past weeks have been a little weird and surreal. Alex and me... I have no idea how we even formed a friendship. It was just there suddenly. He actually showed me the first comment I made to him a few days ago and I'm too embarrassed to even link it. But anyhow, we became friends and he trusted me and we had fun. A couple of flirtatious remarks, alright so a lot, and that was that you know. Things were great. There were maybe a couple of times I allowed myself to believe it actually meant something but I came down quickly enough. I wanted him to be happy. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he drops me the sweetest note in the world. I didn't even know what to think. On one side, it's what I've wanted and on the other I'm terrified of losing our friendship. But I can't say no to him. And days passed and things were incredible and cute and I still hadn't seen him face to face after the recent developments. Everything felt not real and there was a sense of hurt in the air and I can't handle leaving issues unspoken. After hours on the phone and here, you'd think the situation was finally comfortable. And it is. I took my spur of the moment weekend getaway and it was probably as close to perfection as you get. It was a wonderful fantasy and I'll always, always remember it. This was supposed to be our time. Get to know each other a little better, get comfortable. Didn't exactly turn out like that, did it? Somehow people make it their business to voice their opinion everywhere. And hell, I'm used to it. People talk shit, that's what people do and that's what make this a shallow, worthless attempt... but I'm still trying. Yes, things from the past can hurt a little, but that's out of my control. My past hurts, I wasn't even aware of it. I've never considered myself insecure. I've never been able not to pack up and leave. To this date, there are maybe 5 people I haven't walked out on. I'm not saying this is a good quality, but it's the truth. This makes me the person not to be trusted, not the other way around actually. People are always asking me how I pick my character, because to some it might seem random...they are characters with their own problems and they want to live in an honest world. I can relate to that. I don't have time for bullshit right now. I trust Alex. Without trust you are so fucked, and I'm not that jaded yet. Screw the past, screw everything, it's possible to start over. And I want him, and I'm pretty positive he wants me too. So there you have it, I don't know if it made you any smarter but that's basically what's been going on. Imagine striking cliffs, gorges and hot springs painted red by the sunset. This really is an incredibly country. And the people, the people here get to me in a different way. I'd give up my career in a second if I had to choose between it and my job as an ambassador. Amazing, brave, honest people. How many on the street of LA tell your their life story when you sit down to talk to them for the first time, their real one, that is. I'm always amazed by their ability to care, even when they're helpless. A mother who has lost her child will take care of an orphan. I often feel helpless too down here. I've tried not to this time, since we're working, not visiting. But you can't close your eyes completely and I've never wanted to. You can find people who understand in the strangest places. You don't even have to speak the same language. I feel like I should mention Dave. He has been an amazing friend to me lately and even though he's probably sick of my whining, he's too polite to say anything. Hi Dave. Ha ha ha, I found this. It's dated exactly one month ago. How ironic. I'm really listening to this song. Usually I don't have a CD on when I'm on the computer so I just type in the last song I listened to. Yes, I lie even. The 'current' is horribly abused by me. But anyway, I haven't really listened to it before and it's beautiful in that cheesy way. We all need a bit of that once in a while.