Well here's your lucky day

The past weeks have been a little weird and surreal. Alex and me... I have no idea how we even formed a friendship. It was just there suddenly. He actually showed me the first comment I made to him a few days ago and I'm too embarrassed to even link it. But anyhow, we became friends and he trusted me and we had fun. A couple of flirtatious remarks, alright so a lot, and that was that you know. Things were great. There were maybe a couple of times I allowed myself to believe it actually meant something but I came down quickly enough. I wanted him to be happy. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he drops me the sweetest note in the world. I didn't even know what to think. On one side, it's what I've wanted and on the other I'm terrified of losing our friendship. But I can't say no to him. And days passed and things were incredible and cute and I still hadn't seen him face to face after the recent developments. Everything felt not real and there was a sense of hurt in the air and I can't handle leaving issues unspoken. After hours on the phone and here, you'd think the situation was finally comfortable. And it is. I took my spur of the moment weekend getaway and it was probably as close to perfection as you get. It was a wonderful fantasy and I'll always, always remember it. This was supposed to be our time. Get to know each other a little better, get comfortable. Didn't exactly turn out like that, did it? Somehow people make it their business to voice their opinion everywhere. And hell, I'm used to it. People talk shit, that's what people do and that's what make this a shallow, worthless attempt... but I'm still trying. Yes, things from the past can hurt a little, but that's out of my control. My past hurts, I wasn't even aware of it. I've never considered myself insecure. I've never been able not to pack up and leave. To this date, there are maybe 5 people I haven't walked out on. I'm not saying this is a good quality, but it's the truth. This makes me the person not to be trusted, not the other way around actually. People are always asking me how I pick my character, because to some it might seem random...they are characters with their own problems and they want to live in an honest world. I can relate to that. I don't have time for bullshit right now. I trust Alex. Without trust you are so fucked, and I'm not that jaded yet. Screw the past, screw everything, it's possible to start over. And I want him, and I'm pretty positive he wants me too. So there you have it, I don't know if it made you any smarter but that's basically what's been going on. Imagine striking cliffs, gorges and hot springs painted red by the sunset. This really is an incredibly country. And the people, the people here get to me in a different way. I'd give up my career in a second if I had to choose between it and my job as an ambassador. Amazing, brave, honest people. How many on the street of LA tell your their life story when you sit down to talk to them for the first time, their real one, that is. I'm always amazed by their ability to care, even when they're helpless. A mother who has lost her child will take care of an orphan. I often feel helpless too down here. I've tried not to this time, since we're working, not visiting. But you can't close your eyes completely and I've never wanted to. You can find people who understand in the strangest places. You don't even have to speak the same language. I feel like I should mention Dave. He has been an amazing friend to me lately and even though he's probably sick of my whining, he's too polite to say anything. Hi Dave. Ha ha ha, I found this. It's dated exactly one month ago. How ironic. I'm really listening to this song. Usually I don't have a CD on when I'm on the computer so I just type in the last song I listened to. Yes, I lie even. The 'current' is horribly abused by me. But anyway, I haven't really listened to it before and it's beautiful in that cheesy way. We all need a bit of that once in a while.